Movie memories

When I was about 9 or so, my parents found themselves alone with me on a stray Saturday evening. Both of my sisters were in their teens and had successfully gotten themselves out of my parents' line of sight that day. Papa suggested we watch a movie and off to town we went. It might have the first or second time I'd been to the cinema. I remember being hyper aware that that was how being an only light have felt. The movie was crocodile Dundee and we stopped at the snack bar before we got seated. Papa asked me if I wanted anything to eat and I chose a pack of famous Amos cookies. It cost five dollars and papa paid without flinching. That was is 1986 and five dollars meant more than it sides now. We were not wealthy.  It by a long shot. But papa was never one to feel the pinch of spending money. 

It was a beautiful evening.

I stepped out into the park we call triangular gardens to walk back to my office after attending a course in another building. The park I walk across has a direct boulevard to the reservoir and the soon-to-take-place sunset cast a soft light through the overcast sky across the path I was taking.

I saw a colleague walking down the boulevard. I only know her by face and I always take a second look at her because I think she's quite attractive. With fair translucent skin and light brown hair.

We exchanged nods and she continued her way. Then she stretched her arms out and I turned to see why. There was a little boy far at the other end of the boulevard running toward her and a man trailing behind him. Her face was of pure anticipation. She was going to see her kid after a day of work. She continued walking with her arms outstretched and the little boy couldn't run fast enough.

I didn't continue watching to see them meet.

I felt a tug, a small but still discernible tug, at my heart.

Many years ago, this was all I wanted. A child.

After years of fertility intervention attempts, IVF attempts, losing my parents, finding a tumour in myself, severe anxiety and its aftermath, I had given up on the hopes of having a child. I am even genuinely glad sometimes that I don't have a child. I simply can't see myself recovering from anxiety if I had someone to worry about. And I am quite positive my marriage wouldn't have survived parenthood.

Of course I would never know.

By my age, those of my friends who would have kids, already have them. Whatever I lost out in the race to becoming pregnant I regained in skipping out on the myriad of diagnosis that kids all seem to be getting. There's ADHD, dyslexia, autism and then there's eczema and asthma. As they grow, there is early puberty or delayed puberty. I am not gleeful about this; I am just glad not to have to deal with therapy sessions and decisions on whether to medicate.

I also see my friends who are parents become totally different creatures. The whole world worships parents while I find their endless adoration of their offspring narcissistic. Social media exacerbate the whole "look at me and my mini-me" to the biggest FOMO gig ever invented. It didn't help that my social schedule was revolving around kids' feed times and nap times. My husband and I have found ourselves home after dinner on Saturday nights at 10pm when such night-outs used to end past midnight. Parent friends always preferred for us to eat at their homes, leaving us with sub standard food and no conversation beyond 2 volleys. That plus being left by ourselves with each other as they try to put their kids to sleep at 8pm on Saturday nights only convinced us that we got the better deal. At least we could stop going to their homes for dinner. They can never stop being parents.

I have resigned myself to waiting for reconciliation after their kids start to date.

Then there's climate change. I would not want to bring up a child in an environment that can only deteriorate. This is quite the strongest reason though it sounds tangent. Everytime I read of ice caps melting, I thank God under my breath for not giving me what I wanted.

I make it up to myself. I travel often. I drive a coupe. I sleep in late whenever I can. I acknowledge the fact that these aren't easy luxuries if I had a kid. I simulate scenarios and realise my husband and my choices would have been very different if we had kids. We wouldn't have sold our profit-making advertising agency. We wouldn't have bought a second property. And we know it would all mean we would be in a tighter financial situation.

But seeing that mother. That moment, that expression. That was the reason why parents put up with sleepless nights and screaming toddlers.

I know I am missing something I used to yearn for and I smiled to myself. It was just a slight tug. No more, no less. I can deal with that.

Tough topic

I was chatting with a colleague yesterday and somehow the topic veered to cancer. He lost his mother in law to breast cancer 2 years ago and his wife (like the rest of us people who lost family members to cancer) counts her life span according to her mum's age when she passed.

I told him about my experiences and he said my chances of cancer is higher. Rationally that is true and I think my anxiety has been built around trying to accept that. Higher means just that. Higher. It doesn't mean definite. It doesn't mean most probably. It's statistics and things that are unlikely to happen can happen. Things that are likely to happen don't always happen. I was worried that his statement would throw me into the throes of anxiety again. It did affect my mood for an evening. But I also realize I'm able to take it a little bit better. Something I would not have been able to do a few months ago.

Ahhh, to be able to take life for granted... To have have both parents live a long life. These are the stuff my dreams are made off.

***
And so on we live. As we must, not assuming we'll die tomorrow; not assuming that our lives will be long. We'll eat, we'll breathe, we'll work, we'll rest. We may keep whining, we may forget to be kind. We'll try not to fear, we'll try to live for the better. And we will also keep failing and keep succeeding. For if life is not for such, then what is it? To truly live, we may need some misplaced optimism and some knowledge of the darkness that lurks. Should no one exist totally in either.

Anxiety

I just had dinner with an ex colleague last night and we started talking about age (haha what else?) and she said a year of traveling aged her cos while on the road, her body is always tense and her neck muscles ached and her facial muscles were also tensed up most of the time. I told her that anxiety aged me. She asked me what that feels like. I gave her a list of some of my symptoms, such as headaches, giddiness, gastric pains, diarrhea, loss of appetite, insomnia. And she said she had all of that too. I know these are all common ailments, so I asked her if she's always had these problems. To my great surprise, she said no. She only started feeling these when she started her year long travel. Like me, she'd never been a light sleeper, never lost appetite, never had headaches or gastric pains. And they all came together. Fortunately for her, her symptoms started to ease now that she's settled in one place.

She felt somewhat shocked at this realisation cos previously she'd attributed all she felt to age. Well, I told her I'm pretty sure my symptoms are not due to age. They actually become quite severe and with time, as my mind becomes more easy and they actually almost disappear. If it's due to age, shouldn't it get worse gradually?

Which got me thinking, there's a difference between 'normal' anxiety and anxiety disorder. Many people suffer from anxiety symptoms and when they are generally tolerable and resolves on its own, they don't think much of it. This leads most people to think that severe anxiety sufferers make too much of their symptoms and that it will all 'go away' if they ignore it. However anxiety disorder is another ball game. It spirals down and just refuses to resolve on its own. It can lead to depression. The mind gets more and more knotted up and more symptoms will occur. In this case, it is really wiser to seek help earlier to prevent it from getting worse, which means a longer recovery time. With help, I mean medication, or counseling or exercise. None of these is an overnight cure; most people give up after a few tries, telling themselves it doesn't work. I think, as with anything else, it has to be multi-pronged. Counseling with more time spent on walk, listening to relaxing music, and exercise and medication if the sufferer is not averse. All of it has to come together. And then it would still take time.

It's like a cold. Most people get better on their own. For some people it could lead to pneumonia. And once you've had pneumonia or asthma, you may be more prone to pneumonia or asthma.

Musings of an imposter educator

Linked-In has just informed me that I have been in my job for 5 months. I have really only taught for 2. The first 3 months were a honeymoon, with me doing practically nothing and not knowing what to prepare myself for. When the semester started proper, it was like a tsunami hit and I just went along with it, not really registering what it was. Now it's already term break and i get a chance to record my reflections.

I had a hard time somewhere in that 2 months as my relationship with my mentor hitting a brick wall. I was too used to doing things my own way and not used to having people tell me off condescendingly. I am also completely not wary of stepping into others' territory. I took offense with so many things that she did and said and struggled with whether I should have a talk with her. I didn't. As the days went on, my loathing for her grew. Then at my mid year review with my reporting officer, I spilled all my negative feedback about her. I felt immense relief when I was told I'm not the only one who feels this way about her. In fact, that took the load off my heart and turned the whole perspective of this situation around for me. I shared my thoughts with some of the others in the team and they all had almost the exact experience with her that I had.

So it seems she's insecure and she really yearns for more status in terms of salary and rank. She wants to lead the team as well. Obviously she has never experienced the can of worms that people management is. I'm not sure if I should reach out to her. Others have tried and told me it's futile.

But I must say I have grown and matured some. It doesn't really bother me that she doesn't talk to me. In fact I forget that sometimes. I was never able to do that in the past. But I do want to make things better so that I don't stumble her. As a Christian, I feel responsible for creating a positive impression.

I also made a ton of mistakes which was a real downer. It was a task getting myself back on track. It still is.

So anyway, back to teaching. In a polytechnic setting, we are technically educators and lecturers. However due to the age of our students and the way times have changed, our role still is very much as a nurturer and more akin to that of a teacher in the traditional sense.

Most of my students are wonderful and the time I spend with them is gold. I relish the preparation, learning and researching I have to do. I feel enriched and able to grow. At the same time I need to still be a practitioner so that I can be relevant and not sit in an ivory tower. I will share my plans for that in another post.

So this was my dream job and it has remained so. As in so far so good.

The routine is also doing me good. Waking up early and going to bed early is something I never thought I'd be able to do. And guess what, I don't mind it as much as I thought i would. I love having weekends again. The past months of not doing working made weekends worthless and I was so unproductive it became absurd. Not sure if it really contributed to my anxiety like what everyone said. More of that in another post.

I still miss running a cafe. I think I will always miss it. It feels like that was a time of my life that time slowed down and I was able to not rush to anything or anywhere. I will always cherish those 4 years.

Birthday and Christmas

With the blink of an eye, it's Thursday. My birthday weekend already feels like it happened too long ago.

We had a meal at Les Amis and I was slightly disappointed that 5 out of 10 items featured truffles (which had no flavour). Nothing at all like the truffles I had in Seoul which were da bomb. Can't say I'm impressed with Les Amis. And I found the service to be a tad unprofessional. The server got our entrees mixed up and we waited so long for the 2nd dessert that we actually asked for the bill!

St Regis was also unremarkable. Some of the fixtures looked dated and the cake they sent up look rather amateurishly baked. And we were relegated to the poolside for breakfast due to the saveurs les brassieres having a full house. Nothing actually even tasted good in the breakfast buffet.

On a brighter note, I had beauty in a pot with my cousins on Tuesday, which was awesome. I just really hope they do away with shark cartilage.

And tonight we'll be having dinner with June, tomorrow with Dylan and Serene. Followed by my family Christmas dinner on Saturday and Christmas tea on Sunday with Harold, Mavis and Mathias. Christmas feasting has really started!

Another year

Gosh, I guess I have been meaning to come here more often than I actually did. Well, the reason for that is really being too busy with life and living. Pensive moments tend to be negative for me and I really don't want this space to become a space that I dump dark thoughts into.

So anyway here's a rather light moment. It's my birthday in 2 days and I'm looking forward to a nice dinner and quiet time spent with Ek and our friends. And today is Friday so there's the weekend all wide open for us.

I'm not gonna do one of these 'take stock of my life' posts; suffice to say I'm in a good place right now, and I'm gonna remind myself to be thankful for that.

I'm loving the youthful energy I see around me everyday at work. And the fact I'm learning so much while I contribute to others' learning. And having a structure's ain't bad for me. Never thought I would thrive in such a structured environment. But wait, thriving or not, it's kinda too early to tell. Being the best I am, and doing work that means something to me. All that is gold.

Life is so full of things we want to do and whatever we pick, there's something we'll miss out on. So for now, this is the best for me. Haha, I've always been greedy, wanting to try it all. And I suppose in many ways, I have.

Of course there have been moments that vexed me so much I was tempted to explore an exit option (once an escapist; always an escapist). And I'm no longer that sharpened saw. My work ethic has changed so much that I am afraid my colleagues will think I have really low standards. So I need to balance that with pushing for excellence in strategically chosen projects. They say pick your battles; I add and your strives. Lol!

I know no workplace is perfect, and it's always the people you work with who can make or break a working environment. I've realized my people management skills have not improved m, but hey my confidence has. So I'm dealing with tensions much better. *shakesdustoffshoulderstylishly

Since this space is one of the things I wanna continue to develop, I shall make a plan for the posts that I will write:

- Birthday dinner (les amis, no less!)
- Zhangjiajie (yay! counting down, leaving in exactly 2 weeks' time)